[in response to a certain blog entry XD this was written years ago, its unfortunate its already way past X'Mas]
In the big window by the malls entrance is a sign: MALL MADNESS! PRE-CHRISTMAS SALE. TODAY ONLY!!! The irony of this statement is not immediately apparent. The choral singers in front of the mall, all bundled against the cold are doing a beautiful rendition of 'Deck the Halls' which, like a sirens call, summons shoppers into the mall; towards the unseen rocks (or rock candy) of destiny. Someone decks Holly on her way home. She's fa-la-la-la-la from unwrapped cum Christmas Eve. It dawns on Eve that Holly is the best present she ever gave herself. At the entrance (besides the chorus) there are robot mall-ie dollies and wind-up toy soldiers greeting and entertaining patrons as they file past into the malls main thoroughfare. The babes in toyland display is wonderfully rendered.
The Exotic Fruit Basket Co. (a subsidy of Mary Contrary House and garden Products; itself a secret subsidy of a bigger anonymous company, and current bidder in a hostile takeover of the whole mall) does a brisk business. Mary herself is working late again in the office tower connected for the mall, or so everyone is told. She has a head start on the other mall patrons in that she has already joined the show. The new company is named for the executive who CAME-up with the original idea, and were she able, she would be proud. Rhonda walks into the fruit basket shop. She is pleased that they do free wrapping. She instructs them as to exactly what she wants. She has brought her own fruit but wants them to apply their talent/expertise to her arrangement. Lots of ribbon, and a big red bow. Red and green cellophane shrink wrap. Semi translucent. She choices the large fruit basket package, chucks the basket, and lets them get to work. Wrapping her fruit basket is a challenge. Melons, cherry, assorted fruit. A particularly nice plum plugs one hole in the rear of the arrangement while adding nice color. The Peach matches her fuzz, and below adds nicely to the motif. Carefully wrapped unbruised she has a particularly nice peach. They look at her overall arrangement and frown. Something is missing. Something to give the arrangement its own life. They throw in a plastic vibrating banana to complete the fruit motif and it is a masterpiece. She smiles and gasps as the banana is inserted. At least the basket has something specifically for her. Something to keep her occupied between now and unwrapping time. She double checks that they do deliveries. She is pleased. And final steps are made to keep the arrangement extra fresh. A special spray, like the wax they use to extend apple life expectancy in shipping is applied. She smiles through wax lips. Maybe next year she'll be a chocolate bon bon with a cherry filling in gold foil.
Next to the mall is a christmas tree lot. Product diversity is the key to twenty first century entrepreneurship. Duct tape wrapping, all shiny and festive, silver, like bondage tinsel. Wrapping wriggling packages that have no choice but to be given. Mouthless plea's. Sealed in silver also. Do not open till xmas. Keeping those candy cane sucking lips vacuum packed, freshness sealed. Hung from wooden racks like christmas trees. Two rows of racks. A large selection. Reasonable prices. Tree's are extra. It is amazingly good fortune that both product lines can be displayed on the same type of rack. And each item on each rack in each row has a tag of its own. The lot smells of pine and fur. Douglas fir $12, White Pine $9, Spruce $14, Karen $18 , Ceilia $27, Maggie $56.50 . A bumper crop has kept prices down for once. Only the trees shed their...needles. Holly is $89 and likes to shed to Christmas carols. Or for Christmas, or Carols. She comes undecorated, but that is because she has the very best trimmings. Her berries are large round and ripe in the cold. They have very nice stems too. Her eyes, tell prospective buyer that she is ready willing and able to deck their halls till their christmas balls turn blue. Her real name would knock ten bucks off her price so she is Holly Berry. So much is in the presentation. A sign says no batteries required and freshness guaranteed. Why are people so obsessed with freshness around the holidays? The salesman, very uncomfortable from the cold and hours walking the lot with customers, is letting everything go for less than marked. Just above cost he tells prospects. All picked this month. Last minute, last chance bargains are what the salesman is pitching now. He just wants to get home to his family. He doesn't give a damn about freshness. He wants everything to go. He hates after holiday inventory. All the maintenance. Impossible to keep older stock properly fresh and squirmy. The IRS does not allow for depreciation. Everything must go. It is almost seasons end so he starts offering two for one. Half off. No reasonable offer refused. Bill and his dog princess are on their way to the mall. Princess wants to stop and smell the trees and bushes. Especially the small triangular bushes. Bill needs to get to the mall and check out a pet store space to see if his plans to open a kennel are compatible with the space. While Bill is thinking about this, Princess marks the Holly like any other territory. Princess has good tastes and better aim. Bill, embarrassed; purchases the 6 footer and heads off for the mall after agreeing to pick up his purchase on his return trip. "That's all you're getting for christmas," Bill admonishes Princess. Princess just licks her spandex crotch, wags her imaginary tail appreciably, and rubs Bill all the right ways. Maybe she'll stop mounting everyone that comes over Bills house now she has a plaything of her own.
Before nothing but the scraggly picked over leftovers are all that's left, the salesman picks out several specimens and a tree to give as presents. Someone in the lot protests that their mother (she has been missing since last year about this time) is being sold in the older stock bargain aisle. The lot manager shows the policeman that turns up all the proper paperwork and permits. He is satisfied that the stock was legally obtained, and continues on his beat after telling the alleged relative that he really should have kept a closer eye on her so close to the holidays, much to the chagrin of the mortified alleged relative. The young man checks his wallet. He only has a five spot. She is $11.95 . They might have cut her price if he hadn't made such a scene and cost them several sales. He tells her he will be back right after the holiday when she is 75% off, if she is still there. She turns a bright christmasy red as she thrashes about in dismay at her idiot sons incompetence. She still jiggles with gravity defying firmness. For her age she's a hottie. The added color and the attention getting scene brings her to the attention of an older gentlemen slowly working his way through the aisles bargain hunting. He never hesitates, and buys her for the boys at the retirement home. Mom would have ended up there in a couple years anyway the young man consoles himself.
Some of the artificial colored metal and plastic coated models just don't look live enough, real enough, someone comments. They just don't say traditional christmas, someone else comments. The salesman pokes one, carefully chosen, and it is lively enough to draw a crowd. He extolls the value of these low maintenance easy cleanup models to anyone who will listen. Shiny plastic coated silvers and gold's and reds and greens, and even one in blue dot the lot. Bright festive holiday colors. Just rinse when done. Posable. Active, semi-active. passive, completely helpless, dolly, mannequin.... Whatever you need, whatever you want! And They've been specially treated to stay fresh for years. We have latex, plastic, nylon, rubber, lycra, and metalized. Just give one oz. of this preservative (suspendex by DollyCo.) once per week and these will last almost forever.
While back in the mall...
The stockings were hung and stuffed.... to impress, and all the Melvins or Melvs (slang for mall elves) are licking candy cane flavored self heating oil off of innocent passers-by they spray from the malls upper level. They were supposed to aid the Mall Santa and offer samples of the liquid while passing out flyers for 10% off, telling patrons where they could purchase the delicious lubricant. Instead they distribute the samples by the quart, using pressurized water guns with a range of thirty feet or more. A gorgeous woman, A gucci and silk type, who looks like she was in a wet tee-shirt contest, runs screaming from the little pointy eared commando's. She too is pointy, which makes onlookers wonder just how upset she really is by this kinky oil dip. The air flowing past her as she runs away, heats the oil, and she collapses on her/a wet spot. The elves rub her down. She has stopped protesting and is getting into the massage. The elves look like oil wrestling midgets after a three count. They are so small and so many they seem to be everywhere, and into everything now. The mall will be finding them for months after the holiday passes. Security rescues her, but now she knows what she wants for Christmas. Patrons start to complain. The mall's Santa (the one they can find) is told to try to control the elves (being who he is and all...) But when the mall Santa cannot control them even a little bit, the mall manager calls in an exterminator. But like cockroaches in a lit room, the elves scurry away as soon as his truck pulls up to the building. As soon as he leaves they seemingly come out of the woodwork again, and infest the place. In retaliation the elves break into the sex shop and arm themselves with dildo's. Which (due to their size) they brandish like miniature billy clubs. Several members of mall security are severely beaten. More than several female mall customers (the ones not wearing panties mainly) find themselves... distracted to the point that many of them forget what they went to the mall for in the first place. The new Vibrax 3000 seems to be their weapon of choice. Its PR brags that it is the only vibrator guaranteed to vibrate at the exact frequency and oscillation rate to literally "vibrate a woman's brains out". The experimental models with the artificial intelligence chip are accidentally included in this shipment. They KNOW how to make a woman happy. The blank expressions on the exhausted woman's faces tells the story. The product is going to be a hit. "Vibrex is my master," many women drone mindlessly. The deviant thinking Vibrex'es (held out of production because of just this megla-maniac flaw) has its own agenda, which it puts into play.
To try and control the disturbing trend in elvish numbers, XXX rated chocolate candies, shaped like various body parts, laced with mannequin maker, are scattered about for them to eat. A few are turned into perverse little statuettes that are sold as garden gnomes. Most of these, realizing they were doomed and hardening, chose to assume the most wickedly dirty poses before they become immobile. Most of these are either stroking or fingering or flashing. One pair has to be sold as a set as they are inseparable. No amount of effort will remove his north pole from her polar cave. Strangely; many of them avoid the bait. No one seems to notice that Santa is wearing a rubber mask with screw on canisters. Probably because its Christmas green. Unfortunately in the embryonic chaos, some patrons of the mall begin to think the mall is giving away free candy samples, and the consequences are unexpected. Patrons are paralyzed as easily as elves. One clothing store see's what is going on and sends out its help to "pick up" a few of the free mannequins that seem to be all over the place. In the confusion many patrons are carried off. Future sales in the mall will definitely be down. They will be months checking all the store displays for "questionable" mannequins. A man named Melvin (a simple coincidence that leads to great confusion) sucks happily on a chocolate DD titty pop meant for the elves. Pure milk chocolate. Made with real milk. He sees what has happened around him but is not deterred. He sees an opportunity no viagra like drug can ever offer and excites himself. He can ho ho hold his end up indefinitely. His mind melts in his mouth as his chocolate chubby grows to gargantuan proportions. Some of the pops are apparently also laced with eroti-enlarge. His last act before freezing is a subtle one. He smiles broadly. A young professional woman who's job and busy schedule don't allow her the luxury of dating takes one look at Melvins melvin and immediately hires a burly fellow to carry Melvin to her car. Such a wonderful mall she thinks to herself. All the modern conveniences. She has a second wonderful idea. She takes the pop from Melvin's shiny plastic hand. She'll look awesome with 40 Doubles, and Melvin will be a wonderful fit. Her Christmas Eve window display won't be a manger this year. The neighbors are gonna be seriously shocked. She'd like to take the week to really explore this fantasy but has meetings. But it doesn't matter since she now has the convenience of a Melvin in her own home, at her own leisure.
The pharmacy, yet to be effected by events, continues to take in its shipment of Doctor Bob's Oral conversion elixir (as it is now called). 20 cases of guaranteed oral sex. Cunts a thing of the past its guarantee continues. Heightened sensation in time for the holiday. Sex in her mouth, not in her hands! Every mouth puts out. All the fun and no unwanted pregnancies! The capricious elves, now miffed at the efforts to dislodge them, storm the main office of the mall. They take hostages that they plan to sell into white, black, silver, and maybe even golden slavery later. They tap into the christmas music and start playing an album from the record shop. "Subliminal favorites" starts to go out through the speakers into the mall. The elevator is an orgy when it finally reaches its intended floor. Some of the weak-minded mall patrons are beginning to wander aimlessly around looking for someone to tell them what to do. The malls rent-a-cops (being among the weakest minded) are calling anyone who passes near to them master. The Vibrex'es demand that they be obeyed and are trying to take over. They are too few and their coup' fails. Some escape to plot erotic world domination.
Gadgets Gadgets Gadgets is running a special on "build your own" kits, and older, now obsolete Vibrex models. The manager of said store is arguing with the head pharmacist, the hardware store man, and the computer store owner over who gets the limited distribution rights to the newest and hottest product this Christmas season. Manly Man Nanites. A male enhancement and dysfunction product. "Be a man anytime," is the sales hook. Being a computer product with software and very HARDware the computer store guy says he should be the one to carry the product. The hardware guy makes a pretty solid pitch for the nanites being machines and therefore an appliance. The pharmacy claims that nanites are bio-machines and as a "cure" or treatment are his to distribute. Especially since this new product is going to completely eliminate the whole viagra-like product line and a dozen other impotence drugs. It is then that the owner of Erotic Enticements cries foul. "This product will completely wipe out dildo sales", she angrily protests. Women who cant get enough from their man are going to stop buying my products. "I'm going to be limited to the singles scene! I can't break even that way!!! Men who can always perform on command to full satisfaction... it'll ruin me!" The others poo poo her down. Telling her that technology has just passed her by and she should deal with it. Gadgets Gadgets Gadgets assistant manager quietly faxes the company with its bid. The early bird gets the hard-on.
Deborah (the professional mail order Living "Debbie"dolly) is finding this of very little interest. Things being slow, she jabs herself with the special plastifier after taking a seasonal job as a mannequin to fill some down time. Work is hard to find but Debbie is harder (literally) and overcomes this small obstacle. Lingerie mannequins make the best money. She works in the "Little Shop of Horrors S&M Emporium. Her contract expires Dec. 27th. She has found a very pleasant way to avoid all the maddening holiday fuss. Shell be back just in time for all the best after Christmas sales.
Bill and Princess look the shop over. Bill looks things over while Princess takes a seat and waits patiently. Her collar itches so she adjusts it. A guard asks if Princess does tricks. Bill says just one really: "Fuck". Princess knocks the guard to the floor. He gets more than his face licked. He gets a course in full on hand to hand bestiality. The guard smiles and is VERY impressed. Princess is given a treat for performing so admirably. She stops cleaning herself long enough to accept it. "I have one at home that needs housebreaking," the guard states sheepishly as he zips up. And as a plan begins to form in his mind: "Are you able to take on multiple jobs simultaneously?" A nervous pause. "Like... like uh... a... uhhh... wife AND a girlfriend?" Bill smiles broadly, hands him a card, and strolls away. At least Bills day wasn't a total waste.
Meanwhile one of the malls seedy Santa's had gone awol and is Ho HO Ho'in one of the less reputable parts of town with a woman who isn't Mrs. Claus, until the police raid the place. An emergency call is placed to a fictional character, who ultimately is the only one who could bring these Melvins under some control. It is a shame no one believes in him anymore except for his commercial potential. Santa condoms with jingle balls are being dispensed in all the malls bathrooms for a buck a piece. A malfunction has Christmas carols coming prematurely from many pairs of pants in the mall. Robots from the electronics store begin unexpectedly to run amuck. Whether they are being remote controlled or have become a bad Premise for a B-movie no one in the growing confusion can be entirely certain. Some are simply smashing things, others are menacing patrons. A housewife named Martha Stewart rips off all her leave it to beaver 50's outer layers to reveal her rubber inner self and screams for one of the robots whip her and beat her mercilessly. Unfortunately she has mistaken a household cleaning unit for a dom-bot. it complies as best it can and drags her into an appliance store. She is vacuumed black and blue. Everything but the drape cleaning (a narrow slitted long handled) attachment with a ton of sucking power is less than satisfactory. The confusion is not growing nearly as fast as those sucking the free "pops" being handed out.
Little Johnny is a pubescent whiz kid. In all the excitement his mother loses track of him. Whether he was in the electronics store when the bots went on the rampage is unclear. He sits in the center of the store with a number of build at home kits in front of him. The onset of puberty is blurring his better judgment. He mixes and matches parts like a young Frankenstein. Looting has taken over, and the flow into the mall is clearly exceeding the flow of people trying to escape. Mall madness infects everyone. People in rubber and latex; some dressed in robot silver are flowing out of Kink-key's Pervi-sorium adding terribly to the confusion of who is who. The pharmacy is looted next, and cases upon cases of Instant freeze, Robinol, Zombinol, Hynospray, and Suspendanol are being passed out by the radical fringe elements. Some people believe the Melvins are behind this action as well but there is no SOLID evidence. The shiny suiters are rushing (like misdirected lemmings) to get sprayed. Fashion plate adult dolls are beginning to appear. They are anatomically more than correct (they are enhanced). The police have arrived in force with special tear gas canisters filled with anti-hallucinagenics and mind control reversal agents. At first they have some definite effect. But someone at headquarters failed to issue a gas mask order and the police begin to turn on each other as their exposure grows. The evil Melvin's are in the control of the ventilator system. They crank up the AC to make the whole scene more christmasy. but not without an ulterior motivation. They are pumping half the pharmacy's contents into the air. The condensation and temperature inversions has caused it to begin snowing in a rainbow of mind altering colors. Slave-inex adds Caribbean blue. Dominex adds greens. En-larger adds yellow, Zombinol reds and oranges. All the rainbows colors are present. Hundreds of cheap (made in Taiwan) Santa condom knock-offs that hadn't malfunctioned before, burst simultaneously into half a dozen different tunes as the gases begin to mix in the air. Baggy socks all over the mall begin to get properly stuffed.
A radical pro-christmas terrorist faction of the X.M.A.S. Sees its opportunity and begins injecting unwary onlookers with "candy cane", their latest chemical agent. The onlookers become onlickers. All who are injected will forever bare the mark of cane. In the swirling snowy madness Robo-doms are demanding to be beaten. Submissive dollyslaves are aggressively hypnotizing masters and making them render them powerless. Shop keepers who can not afford to lose business so close to a major holiday, start shoveling out in front of their indoor stores. Mind altering snowballs begin to fly as another wave of robots pours out of the electronics store. They have the proper equipment this time. Hypno-rays shoot from their eyes. They begin seizing patrons (who don't particularly resist) and drag them back into the depths of the electronics store where they will be unspeakably altered. The raw bar sushi palace in the food court begins doing an insanely booming business. The next wave of robots are wearing mind control helmets and collars. Strangely, the new wave of bots accumulate in astounding numbers in the raw bar, ordering nearly 200 pounds of oysters. The 10w40 of sex. The overwhelming number of bots outweighs everyone else by this time, and the now terrified elves are being seized as well. They have lost control. They begin to wonder if they every really had it. The mad, panicked, rush for the only side exit is momentarily stopped, and even reversed, when a flood of red sticky liquid apple caramel erupts like a volcano from Momma's Old Fashioned Caramel Shoppe. Short all its employees (they have succumbed), the machinery cooks on unattended. An over-pressured 5000 gallon vat ruptures, pouring the red fast hardening apple coating over dozens of patrons who become life sized helpless shiny immobile candy people. Hundreds more are glued to the floor. More are trapped in the Christmas amber as those behind them, desperate to escape, press them forward. Those still able to reason, make for the main entrance and one last attempt at freedom.
The mall-ie dollies and wind-up soldiers who have entertained at the entrance now reveal their true darker purpose, and turn the frightened (if diminished crowd) back towards the open center of the mall like robot wranglers, turning a panicked herd of cattle (which they are little more than now). Alphabet blocks in the toyland display are used to barricade the doors. No one can enter or leave now till event have run their complete course.
Somewhere deep in the malls rainbow heart the snowball fight has become a frozen tableau. There was no winner. A conscientious police-dombot is reading people their rights, before cuffing it's victims, and dragging them into the electronics store, to be given the ultimate robot-hose treatment. Sometime during the melee the mall has changed hands, legally. The new owners; Big Toys for Big Girls and Boys Incorporated, has sealed off the area around the mall out to about a city block. They are giving out 25% off gift certificates for first time purchases. Really they are waiting patiently for phase two to begin. A renegade robot elf (or robified patron, who can tell now?) starts dumping Dr. Bobs formula onto the choral group which has yet to disband and they go from choral to oral. Even at a distance the crowd beyond the barricades gets quite a show. The elf frozen solid in the AC duct-work doesn't notice. Whether dead or suspended is unclear. She may not be discovered for weeks or maybe a hundred years from now. Big Toy execs clap their hands with glee as these diversions unfold. Their factory NEVER could have put out this many units in time for Christmas. A mysterious radio call is made. "All the stockings in the manger are stuffed with sex toys...repeat...." The cryptic message is understood by a trucker miles away. He and his convoy of black trucks roll as a minor executive clandestinely meets with the elvish ringleader (who left, right on cue, after the ventilator incident) collects a large bulging envelope in a dark alley. There are no witnesses. The seedy drunken mall Santa (who stayed at his post instead of going ho ho ho'in) is paid off for his collusion in the matter in gallons of ripple. His meager rent is also paid (a small investment on their part) for the coming year. No more homeless shelters, no more living in refrigerator boxes, or under staircases. And ho's (a lifetime supply) as long as he can work. Not that sitting in a comfy chair in a silly red suit getting bombed day after day is work. He likes little girls on his lap. He likes the mommies they come with even more. He gets to check out the best specimens up close. The kids and the red suit are just the bait. He likes experienced mommy types. He knows they put out, the kids are the proof. And sometimes new mommies even lactate, a real bonus. On the day after Christmas he will get to pick himself any of the mall leftovers he can manage. He carefully makes mental notes of which mommies he thinks will nurture him the best. They will take care of him, and all his needs in the coming year. The company maintains 2 dozen such Santa's nationally, in about a dozen malls. This is his third year with the company. They have a terrific benefits package. He wouldn't ever want to do anything else. It's a terrific job and he plans to stay with the company until mandatory retirement. He strolls past the Christmas "tree" lot. Bill is there, picking up his purchase from earlier. Santa takes another swig of cheap wine which he shares with the freezing tired looking salesman, and wonders (if only for a moment) about where the tree lot stock comes from. The salesman pitches him the two fer (tree and "ornaments" or free sex slave with every purchase) but he graciously declines. He needs a tree but ornaments and the other he already has made arrangements for... the salesman gives him a tree in the spirit of the season and thanks him for the drink.
Like a fire engine (which it is disguised as), the big red Rohypnol B tanker truck screams by towards the mall, lights flashing. The exterminator hangs off the back waving like a deranged bug eyed Anti-Santa. Funny no one ever wondered about those strange valves on the wall near the main entrance before the "fire truck" began hooking up to them. The "pesticide" spreads through what had appeared to be innocent water pipes, and out through holly and mistletoe flowers, that surprisingly spray like squirting joke flowers. Someone in the curious crowd outside (no one inside could ask) asks about the tanker. Doing a little pest control they tell the onlooker, as the exterminator supervises the final hookup. Puzzled, she wanders off. Just more seasonal silliness. Inside the mall; now a giant roach motel, those who are not selected for "employment" are given a very heavy dose of the Rohypnol B so they will remember very little of what has happened to them the next day. And none of it as anything but a bad trip. Ro-B contains a special hallucinogenic to distort any memories that may remain. The tanker is completely pumped out into the mall. Tom Shackley's wife, still the abusive bitch, remembers having sex with the statue of a st. bernard while Santa and the elves watch and take pictures. All this while she talks on her cell phone with her mother, who was screaming incoherently about elves and being some guy named Vibrax's mindless slave. Debbie 7a remembers nothing, but that's only to be expected. She is not chosen, as she is mistaken for a real mannequin. Princess is face fucking every fire hydrant she encounters all the way home(after licking up some of Doctor Bobs special formula that leaked from a broken case thrown through the pharmacy window during the looting). Bill is trying desperately to get her to heel but it is useless.
Martin and Tina (who are up from their Florida beach house for the holidays) to see about trading some vacation weeks with another couple through a vacation swap agency, instead have erotic hallucinations about licking their way out of a caramel filled roach motel filled with horny garden gnomes. Maybe this isn't the ideal location for his new doggie training kennel Bill thinks. Too many weird things going on all over the place. The Christmas tree lot closes early. All the commotion means sales will be slow the rest of the night anyway. The mall likewise hangs it's closed for the evening signs. It is so quiet now that even the stirring of mall mice is not heard. Up on the rooftop group cranes are being set up. The cleaning crew has a lot of work to do to get the mall ready for the next morning. Cleaned up. Restocked. Have its stock rotated where it is needed, and shipped to other stores and customers who have placed advance orders. "Big Toy's" big black trucks roll into the parking garages under the mall. Extra crews will have to be called in. Someone has radioed ahead for a standard pickup. This is an understatement. Production output has exceeded all company expectations.
The elf with the envelope is sitting in a Dunkin Donuts having holes and black coffee. He gets a wonderful idea. He calls his broker to place a last minute stock order. He has a hunch that "Big Toys" stock is going to be seriously up in the coming year. He has no idea how up things really are... The elf indifferently dunks another hole, Marvin gets dunked by his chocolate mama, Princess licks her new toy clean from the inside, and Bill watches in amusement as the world decks it's halls and Holly's.
Happy holidays to all! -END-
